Military Correspondence
by Lady Androgene
Summary: ZackxCloud. Oneshot. Snarkfest between Cloud and Zack, with a little smattering of Rude and Reno. Oh, and Zack having chocobo issues.


Title: **Military Correspondence **

Rating: **PG-13**

Pairing: **Zack x Cloud**

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII belongs to Square Enix.

* * *

_Cloud,_

I would just like to remind you that you owe me a Gold Saucer date for saving your ass from those Turk jerks.

That or a million gil. No contest, right?

_Zack_

_o_

_Zack,_

According to the code of the SOLDIER: No thank you do we require. No payment do we need. As long as our comrade's lives are guaranteed.

However, owing to my individual sense of gratitude, I will concede to your request and head off to kill the Ruby Weapon for that 1 million gil.

_Cloud_

_o_

_Cloud,_

Ruby Weapon? April Fools Day is still far away, Mr. Not-Yet-A-First-Class-SOLDIER Cloud. You have about as much chance of beating that thing as Sephiroth singing the Jigglypuff song.

Your coy attitude doesn't impress me, nor does it fool me. However, also owing to my selfless nature, I will give you another option.

How about you just help me improve my Chocobo to class A status?

_Zack_

_o_

_Zack,_

Tell me, Mr. I'm-a-First-Class-SOLDIER-Bad-Ass-And-I-Own-You-And-Your-Mom, how does your motorcycle manage to stay on the ground with your inflated ego riding it?

But, for fear of you shooting your mouth off another time, I will agree to your most disadvantageous offer. Fine. One day to baby-sit your bird and hang out at the Chocobo racetrack. After that, we're even.

_Cloud_

_o_

_Cloud,_

Excellent. I'll see you at the Gold Saucer on Saturday, 7 pm. Wear leather. Don't tell Tifa you're going out with me.

_Zack_

PS: Bring some nuts too. For my chocobo and his girl.

_o_

_Zack,_

7 pm? I may be a little late. And no, I'm not telling Tifa.

_Cloud_

PS: Fine. You're lucky I have a couple of nuts to spare.

_o_

_Cloud,_

Please be reminded of SOLDIER SOP # 7. Be punctual.

And I know you just want leeway in case you don't finish doing your hair in 30 minutes. Ever heard of this new invention called hair wax? Quit it with the axle grease.

Besides, I know you don't have anything planned that day.

_Zack_

_o_

_Zack,_

I accepted Tifa's lunch invite on Saturday. What did you say about not having plans?

_Cloud_

PS: Unlike your hair, which, I am fully aware is treated to a variation of viagra, my hair needs only gel to stay manageable.

_o_

_Cloud,_

Whatever, Cloud. See you on Saturday.

_Zack_

PS: Bring some of Tifa's cookies. My chocobos need dessert.

* * *

_Zack,_

When I said bird-to-bird warfare, I actually meant chocobo-racing.

_Cloud_

_o_

_Cloud,_

Oh yes, and I suppose chocobo-racing includes assuming the full mount position and ripping my shirt off?

_Zack_

_o_

_Zack,_

I do believe that you were the one who let your male chocobo run off, in favor of throwing yourself at me. I was trying to administer the triangle choke on your thick neck but your clothes were getting in the way.

_Cloud_

_o_

_Cloud,_

Triangle choke?[1] Oh, so that's what you call getting a blow these days. Don't worry Cloud, there's plenty of time to work on your ah, technique.

_Zack_

PS: I now have a gold chocobo.

_o_

_Zack,_

I see you've been abusing the Stop yellow materia. You sick fuck. I don't suppose that was the first time you've used it inside the Shinra bathrooms.

_Cloud_

PS: So what?

_o_

_Cloud,_

I don't suppose that was the first time you brought out my picture in the Shinra bathrooms.

_Zack_

PS: Want to take a leisure trip around the world with me? On Chocobo-back.

_o_

_Zack,_

At least I don't name my dick after a chocobo summon.[2]

_Cloud_

PS: Hold that thought while I report you to the society for the Prevention Of Cruelty to Animals.

_o_

_Cloud,_

At least I don't look like a chocobo.

_Zack_

PS: Aren't you afraid they might take you in as one of the victims?

* * *

_Zack,_

So you and Cloud are together now, eh? Congratulations. Turks get the job done again, as usual.

You owe us a gold chocobo.

Regards,

_Reno and Rude_

_o_

_To The Delightfully Mismatched Turk Combo of Reno and Rude,_

Thank you for your cooperation in my plight. Cloud is indeed very grateful to me. The gold chocobo will arrive at your headquarters as soon as my own chocobo boy finishes fawning over my fat chocobo.

Yours Truly,

_Successful and Adequately Contented Zack Fair_

_SOLDIER FIRST CLASS_

_o_

_Zack,_

Who are you calling mismatched, you satyriasis-stricken spike-head? Just because we made a deal like that doesn't mean we're suddenly buddies. Rude and I are still gonna kick your ass next time we see you. You and your precious chocobo boy.

The Cream of the Turk Crop,

_Reno_

PS: Rude says that's a lot of chocobos.

* * *

_Zack,_

You are an egotistical, insufferable son of a she-dog. Stay where you are. After my mission is over, I will personally see to it that you arrive to the morgue in no less than twenty pieces.

_Cloud_

_o_

_Cloud,_

Hey I know Tifa almost caught us doing it on her bed, but aren't you overreacting? Besides, I managed to convince her we were practicing Jiu-jitsu for the upcoming SOLDIER practical exams.

_Zack_

PS: Your Omni-slash can only cut up to fifteen.

_o_

_Zack,_

Reno thought it was a brilliant joke to include your latest correspondence to us with his letter to Cloud. I hope it has no serious repercussions.

_Rude_

_o_

_Cloud,_

Heard you're shagging Zack. My deepest condolences.

_Reno_

-fin-

* * *

A/N:

[1] Triangle Choke—A Jiu-Jitsu move that involves placing your opponent's head between your legs, the right leg slamming over the back of the neck, the other leg hooking on the ankle of your right leg. Then SQUEEZE.

[2 ]Chocobo Summon- FAT CHOCOBO.


End file.
